Its ok , to not be ok!

A little snippet on shift work.

As a mother, partner, sister, daughter, friend and neighbour my life has changed dramatically. I went from being a full time mum for the last 7 months, a student before that, to a shift worker.

I thought I was totally on top of it. I thought i'd start shift work and maybe it would take me a few weeks to get used to it and Id be totally fine. That us as a family, would be totally fine. I spent the last 3 years of my life at university. Full time university plus placements as well as a number of others things I had to get signed off, I thought I was totally and completely ready. I thought I was going to have it all under control. Guess what? I was wrong.

HAHA! Well so it turns out that was the most ridiculous notion I had ever come up with. Its now been 2 months, 1 week and 3 days since I started shift work. Guess how well its going? Not well at all. Im exhausted, my house is a mess, my children are mad at me, I rarely see my partner and a social life? pfft!

Ive gone from being home for my children, seeing heir milestones, hugging them when they were sick, reading them bedtime stories every night before bed, to sometimes being here when they wake up, sometimes being here when they go to bed, on the odd occasion I say good bye to them at 11 am one day and don't see them again until 4pm the following day. Our days have changed, our nights have changed and every moment in between has changed.

Up until 2 weeks ago I was to ashamed to share how I was really feeling. I didn't want to open up and say "hey, I'm struggling here". I didn't want to admit that I felt like I was failing in every single aspect of my life. That I was being eaten alive by mum guilt that lead me to cry every single time I dropped my children off. That made my heart ache every time I heard a baby cry, that made my eyes well up every time I saw or heard anything that reminded me of the kids. I felt heavy, I felt empty and I felt like I was following my own dreams at the expense of my children.

The worst part? The job I had been looking forward too for three years, the job I thought Id walk in the door and love, be great at, enjoy every single moment of. Was hard. It was really hard. The hard job was making it even harder to leave my children. I felt like I was falling to pieces and I was too scared to open my mouth and admit it. I felt like if i admitted it, my shaky, wobbly life might just fall down around me.

Do you know how I got through the last few months? With the most amazing, incredible, helpful man that has ever walked the earth, by my side. He has picked up the slack when I get home and feel like I cannot lift a finger. When I fall to pieces all over the place, he picks them up and neatly sticks them back together by holding me tight and not letting me go. He lets me debrief every single day, he expects nothing of me other than a smile on my face and he does everything he can to make sure that happens.

Some times things don't go exactly as we had planned, sometimes things are hard. What have I learnt over the last few weeks? Its ok to not be ok, its ok to ask for help and to let people know that some days, are bad days. There is a book that Ethan has, every time I read it, it fills me with a little hope, a little happiness and a little light. I want to share it with you, I want to remind you that on the bad days, that sometimes you need to find a little light. You need to find a silver lining and realise that tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is a bright, wonderful new day. And by putting one foot in front of the other, eventually the bad days will become good days.

"Because I Love You- Julia Hubery and Cee Biscoe"

Im going to continue to share my journey of shift work and as I mentioned Ill also be sharing some stories of mum guilt. This is just the beginning of my journey or sharing and not bottling!

How do you handle working and being away from your kids?

Reasons my 4 year old is still awake.

Who loves sleep?

I love sleep, even though I feel like its suddenly become my dirty mistress. I dream about sleep, I think about sleep all the time. I daydream about sleep and I honestly feel as though I am completely in love with sleep. How ever Im cheating on sleep, with children. And now I get no sleep and thats ok

I make really cute babies, like stupidly cute! I am really great at crafting cute babies, how ever what they give off in cuteness, they lack in the ability to sleep.

So I thought id share some of that with you, in a piece I title,


I love you child, but please go to sleep.

This piece is dedicated to my 4 year old. Oh how I love you so...

Reasons my 4 year old is still awake;

He is thirsty
He is chilly
Its time to go and wee
He is lonely
He is sweaty
I wonder where teddy could be

I love you child, but please go to sleep

He is thirsty
He is hungry
Oh no he fell over today
He is thirsty
He misses me
What was he going to say?

I love you child, go to sleep

He is thirsty
He is cold
And now the TVs loud
He needs a wee
He needs a hug
He popped, are you proud?

I love you child. but SLEEP!!

Just one more cuddle
Just one more kiss
Its moments like these
One day I'll miss

He is quiet.
Im dare not make a peep
Its been 5 minutes.
He must be asleep.

The days fly past too quickly,
the minutes disappear,
I miss you while your sleeping,
I wish that you were here.

I love you child, why must you sleep?

Mother guilt... (Part 1)

Mothers guilt will be a series I post about on the blog. The reason for this is simple, every mother feels it. The voice inside is so loud and so clear, yet its no ones voice other than our own. 

I want people to share their mothering guilt with me, with us. I want us to be able to band together as mothers and say "Hey, you...Your doing an excellent job!" 

Mother these days is everywhere, its not just mothers that you see walking down the street, or at school drop off or at your mothers group. Mothering is now on social media, Facebook and other social media platforms are full of mothers posting about their wonderful children, their wonderful choices and their beautiful lives.

This is fabulous, share in the beauty and love of motherhood. It can also be isolating. Why is it isolating? mothers guilt. When you see a mother post about spending the day doing hands on activities with their children, when you see mothers eating organic home cooked meals and sharing in bedtime stories with happy children and you've had a day where all you have managed to achieve is keeping them alive. Those other stories become hard.

Thats why I want this platform. I want you to be able to share those days with us, and I want us to say "Yes! you kept the kids alive, thats blood brilliant. Your a kick ass mum, today and always"

Mothering was once about a village, together you and your village helped to raise the children, parenting was supported and enjoyed, embraced and celebrated and I want to bring that back to life!

So every Sunday Im going to speak to a mother. I want them to share with me their inner feelings, thoughts and voices and I want them to speak out our about their achievements and I want us to embrace each others different choices, different life styles and different lives and celebrate happy, healthy children! and happy healthy parents. 

Parenting is tough guys, lets share the love!  

The Beginning....

Every journey

Every story

Every life . . . Has a beginning.

This is mine.



I had my first beautiful son 4 years ago. My life was forever changed at that point. It changed in wonderful, beautiful, exciting and loving ways! But it changed in stressful, exhausting and hard ways too. 3 years later I was blessed with another beautiful person.

Both my boys are happy, healthy, wonderful children who make me laugh, make me explode with love and happiness and smother me in love and kisses.

Both my boys hate sleep, argue, fight bed time and sometimes make me feel like I'm failing them as a mother.

This is my journey. A new journey. My life has changed dramatically over the last 2 months (ill go into that another day). This weekend was a turning point for me, for my family and for our whole life. I had many realisations, some that had to be pointed out to me, others that were staring me in the face the whole time and that I had chosen to ignore.

I need to change the way I live my life, I need to change the way I parent my children and I need to change the way I run my life.

There is nothing wrong with the life I live now, my children are happy and healthy and have everything they need and more. Its more about me, for their sake I need to be a happier mother, a happier person and a happier me.

I start here. I want to share this journey with cyberspace because I'm willing to bet there are others out there feeling as exhausted and overwhelmed as I am. I want them to join me on this journey, I want them to know they are not alone.

This is not a "how to" blog.

This is not a "parenting" blog.

This is a blog about one woman's journey to find herself amongst her life as a mother, my search for a happy heart and a healthy mind.
This is my brutally honest canvas, to share with you my ups and downs. The things that work and the things that fail. To laugh with you on my good days and cry with you on my bad days. We are not alone in our feelings as mothers and if this blog can bring even one mother comfort in the fact that she is not alone, well then it will have served its purpose.

So join me, claim back your mumjo!

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