As a mother, partner, sister, daughter, friend and neighbour my life has changed dramatically. I went from being a full time mum for the last 7 months, a student before that, to a shift worker.
I thought I was totally on top of it. I thought i'd start shift work and maybe it would take me a few weeks to get used to it and Id be totally fine. That us as a family, would be totally fine. I spent the last 3 years of my life at university. Full time university plus placements as well as a number of others things I had to get signed off, I thought I was totally and completely ready. I thought I was going to have it all under control. Guess what? I was wrong.
HAHA! Well so it turns out that was the most ridiculous notion I had ever come up with. Its now been 2 months, 1 week and 3 days since I started shift work. Guess how well its going? Not well at all. Im exhausted, my house is a mess, my children are mad at me, I rarely see my partner and a social life? pfft!
Ive gone from being home for my children, seeing heir milestones, hugging them when they were sick, reading them bedtime stories every night before bed, to sometimes being here when they wake up, sometimes being here when they go to bed, on the odd occasion I say good bye to them at 11 am one day and don't see them again until 4pm the following day. Our days have changed, our nights have changed and every moment in between has changed.
Up until 2 weeks ago I was to ashamed to share how I was really feeling. I didn't want to open up and say "hey, I'm struggling here". I didn't want to admit that I felt like I was failing in every single aspect of my life. That I was being eaten alive by mum guilt that lead me to cry every single time I dropped my children off. That made my heart ache every time I heard a baby cry, that made my eyes well up every time I saw or heard anything that reminded me of the kids. I felt heavy, I felt empty and I felt like I was following my own dreams at the expense of my children.
The worst part? The job I had been looking forward too for three years, the job I thought Id walk in the door and love, be great at, enjoy every single moment of. Was hard. It was really hard. The hard job was making it even harder to leave my children. I felt like I was falling to pieces and I was too scared to open my mouth and admit it. I felt like if i admitted it, my shaky, wobbly life might just fall down around me.
Do you know how I got through the last few months? With the most amazing, incredible, helpful man that has ever walked the earth, by my side. He has picked up the slack when I get home and feel like I cannot lift a finger. When I fall to pieces all over the place, he picks them up and neatly sticks them back together by holding me tight and not letting me go. He lets me debrief every single day, he expects nothing of me other than a smile on my face and he does everything he can to make sure that happens.
Some times things don't go exactly as we had planned, sometimes things are hard. What have I learnt over the last few weeks? Its ok to not be ok, its ok to ask for help and to let people know that some days, are bad days. There is a book that Ethan has, every time I read it, it fills me with a little hope, a little happiness and a little light. I want to share it with you, I want to remind you that on the bad days, that sometimes you need to find a little light. You need to find a silver lining and realise that tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is a bright, wonderful new day. And by putting one foot in front of the other, eventually the bad days will become good days.
 |
| "Because I Love You- Julia Hubery and Cee Biscoe" |
Im going to continue to share my journey of shift work and as I mentioned Ill also be sharing some stories of mum guilt. This is just the beginning of my journey or sharing and not bottling!
How do you handle working and being away from your kids?
No comments:
Post a Comment